Tyrian Pearl Productions – Incorporating…

This is a post for other women mainly……

So, an update after a very long time. This one is very ‘personal’ – not, professional, not film or music…. just me, pouring my heart out somewhat – a little of my tale these past years….. and I’m not sure if anyone reading can actually have the wisdom to help on a practical level, but if so, please put down your thoughts in the comments – maybe, just maybe, perhaps the wheels of fortune and life might move a cog or two from your offered musings.

I was retrenched (brutally, without any warning, with no wrong doing on my part, just let go – possibly due to funds mismanagement of the Director of that school) last year, from my ESL teaching job I’d held down for two years, working extremely hard to improve the department, the curriculum (“here, teach this”, handed three books, no support from the other teacher, just asked to teach, which I did, nurturing hundreds of students in that time). I had spent those years improving things; firstly as a part-time teacher, then full-time. At first (for six months), waking at 4.00am, walking down to the terminal, then taking the ferry, then a bus or train to the city; or, driving a rental car from the coastline (after the ferry ride) down to the Gold Coast campus; or, (after the ferry ride) taking the 45-minute bus trip into the City; then, because I was living on one of the islands in the Bay of Islands (off the Gold Coast), after an 18-month run of five hours of travel a day to get to and from my job in the City, my lease came up for renewal, so made the decision and… decided to move back to the mainland – I just couldn’t deal with the ongoing long times of travel to and from work any longer. I left beautiful friends back on those islands.

Life had been very challenging/hard the previous couple of years during the Covid lock downs, a lack of stable work, or stable home-base, severely lacking money, etc, etc. I had moved over to Macleay Island as the rents were cheaper than the Gold Coast. And I’d had a difficult two years previously, moving from one job to another (varied positions, whatever I could gain that was honest work during a time so many were locked up and forbidden to work/move) and shifting abodes six times that year alone, due to the lock downs, unemployment, attitudes. Horrible.

The next move (from Macleay Island) meant I had to sell my car to afford the expenses; plus three garage sales to lessen my physical load, plus many donations of my goods to flood victims down south, and just gave away a lot of items to locals – basically letting go of much of my past, my burdens definitely in holding on to some of these items. That bit at least, was positive to a degree – clearing out, tightening up my chattels. I moved into a two-bedroom unit on the south side of the city, with a friend I’ve known for a long, long time, to shoulder the rent load. We are domestically compatible for the most part, clean, tidy, honest, helpful – no complaints. We are very different people, with at times, vastly different life choices. I cope, in that, I have a safe, mostly pretty kind, domestic life.

In being suddenly retrenched, I had to find work immediately – no slowing down for me…. or, I’d be out on the street. I cleaned up all my CV’s, revamped them, and began looking for a full-time ‘job’. I had four days to change my destiny from no work, risking my hard fought apartment near the city. I applied for many positions that week. Finally gained an interview with one retailer, but alas, no positions available. The woman suggested I take my retail CV down to a store that had recently opened downstairs, which I promptly did. I was hired within two days.

I am six months into this position. An utterly exhausting venture, as its a fast paced environment, enormous numbers of humanity coming through the doors of this very CBD central store. On my feet all day, turnover of stock is very high, and even in gaining a Management role four months into this, the paygrade is very low for all the skills and wisdom required. I AM grateful. I have kept a roof over my head; but the physical cost has been high – constantly going to the chiropractor or physiotherapist, always daily strapping up my existing injuries,gaining further sore feet, aching legs (breaking veins), knees are sore and bruised at times, ongoing hip problems, every day I get home completely ‘spent’. Nothing in the tank. I live zero to zero from paycheck to paycheck, as cost of living is high, and I’m also paying off debt incurred during those lock-down years, when living on a credit card due to unemployment ie. one must eat, and I also had to keep my car on the road. I was on unemployment benefits for six months ie. $250 a week. I paid $200 a week for the room, and $50 for everything else. I lived frugally on a line of credit for those six months. Now, paying this off, plus a tax bill (I was still not earning enough to pay tax, plus live, and it all escalated). I’m genuinely flagging, tired, disillusioned – despite that I really, absolutely still count my blessings every day.

I am now on a precipice: physically getting tireder by the week, stuck for a little while longer, in a retail job that offers no pay increase, living on the edge. No assets, no partner either, to share the burdens with. I dare not burden my flatmate any further, with my shortening temper, and ‘fed up with life’ moments.

I don’t have time to ‘look for’, let alone nurture, a new relationship. ‘Attracting’ is a way better angle… but still besides, haven’t even had time to meet any partners – a good man worthy of my time or good kind heart. So, better to be utterly single than in a time-poor, unloving, relationship – that is just not my path, and I won’t ‘settle’ – too hard, hurting my heart like that with a wrong ‘desperate’ choice.

I simply lay bare, here, the turmoil. I’m like many women over a ‘certain age’: Independent, very hard-working, kind, doing her best for her family (despite they have also moved on), I’m without any assets other than basic chattels, still doing their best to get past the past few years of circumstances beyond my control, and praying I don’t become homeless – just one mistake, one missed rent, etc… and…… well, I won’t incite that possibility here. And lets just say, I have faced this reality more than once these past five years.

This post is NOT a ‘poor me’. Nor, low self-esteem. But simply, helping me to sort my thoughts…. I’m okay, sort of. But I’m also, not. I teeter, doing my best to feel stable, in an unstable world. People do ‘care’. But, my personal circle is very small. I have mostly lived close to the edge this lifetime, as I never had the ambition to be a millionaire, or some a-hole who doesn’t care about others. But I don’t want to be or live on the brink any more.

I’ve tried many different businesses over the past few decades eg. sole trading (private ESL tutoring, online, which I still do), some filmmaking, singing, retail employee, writer, teacher, (which I love being), etc… but yet to find something that earns beyond a basic wage. I’ve also had my fair share of horror jobs. Been at the mercy of others who I feather their nests for, and quite often, have been betrayed for trusting them with my life – silly, silly me. Fair share of financial losses too…. just life I guess, till I’m not so trusting, not so naive, not so…. whatever, when raised without good parenting as a child. Took me a long time to learn about the ‘ways of the world’.

Just want to find my mojo again, some spark once more. I’m getting tired God. Had my limits, want to do more good, and be well rewarded for that intention. I’m no good at network marketing, too private to open up my personal life right now to a bunch of strangers, don’t watch TV as its programming and noise is insulting to my intelligence, and have done a zillion things online for free, that don’t help me, but do raise awareness of issues – but that doesn’t pay the bills either.

Anyone else on the same page – other women out there in the same boat? Gentle reader, I will leave you here. Comments are welcome – be kind, be wise. I’m on my journey, just like you. I don’t need to be chastised, or abused, or, any other negative adjective for ‘life learning’. Be a friend if you can, be ‘nice’, be sweet even. I’ve dealt with more brutality than I care to admit this life, dealt with criminals, and too many who are totally selfish, without empathy. If you don’t have anything kind to offer, remain quiet, please.

God bless you. Om Mani Padme Hum.

This entry was posted by Jaya Khoobsurat.